Losing and Finding Oneself

A couple of days back, I was feeling mentally drained and quite a bit suffocated. I was realizing that I was caught in this monotone of work life. I felt lost, there were no dreams or goals to look forward to or if I had any, I could not remember them. I was panicking and I felt like talking to someone. So, I tried calling my friends and unfortunately, they could not come to the phone at that moment. All I could do was to try and calm myself with music, lie down, and hopefully fall asleep. Finally, one friend did hit me up and when I actually got talking to her, she was already in a state of her own. She went onto talk about how she had no idea of what is going on in her own life and the people around. Well, at least we got to share a couple of nerdy “deep-ish” jokes on life and I could sleep in peace after.

I was still rather disturbed by the whole feeling that I had gone through. So, I started to research on it and happened to come across the concept of existentialism and the first quote I was hit with was this, "The biggest danger, that of losing oneself, can pass off in the world as quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. is bound to be noticed"

This struck me deep indeed. We talk to our people about so many superficial things and might never really ask them what their mental state is at that point in their life. A lot of people are smiling through their struggles and getting through each day by sheer will. Every one of them is trying to make sense of the struggles of their own. I have always made it a point to talk about my state of mind during conversations with my trustworthy group of friends because honestly a lot of us are feeling anxious and lost in life. We need all the support and experience that we can get. This reminds me of the second quote that I came across.

 “…I will say that this is an adventure that every human being must go through – to learn to be anxious. Whoever has learned to be anxious in the right way has learned the ultimate.”

When a person truly realizes that they are responsible for their lives in the context of the present and in future, naturally anxiety is the first response that surfaces. Anxiety also means that there are actual realistic choices that one can make as they walk through the path of life and there is a living potential behind each one of those choices. It’s again one’s own choice to actually take up this choice of living by owning up to one’s own choices. I think, most of us in our generation do own up and enjoy this responsibility. This clearly is a path to understanding oneself better because we ought to find out how we react to a variety of situations. Also, it’s ok to turn up scared for things, but make sure you turn up because the experiences that you might feel scared about are going to be the ones that are going to be surreal, life-changing, and worthy of remembering.

I think a lot of people tend to lose their own selves when they have their identity latched onto an external factor in the world such as a possession, a job, a relationship, or their wealth. It’s important to realise that beyond all these temporary attachments that we may possess during the different phases of our life, we are complete beings. So, we should be putting in conscious efforts into building that core inner personality of who we actually are. I say this because the impact that one leaves on other people is mightier than one could ever fathom or realize. The tiniest actions of kindness and compassion from the depth of the heart are often remembered for ages.

I’m forever grateful to that random stranger on the bike who got me back to my parents when the bus took off early from a stop and I got stranded when I was 8. I still remember that bus conductor who took me and my friends back to our stop late at night even when we did not have enough money for the tickets. I’m forever indebted to my high school hostel Chief Warden and Vice Principal who showed me good people can be found even in amidst the chaos of life filled with greed on selfishness.

I have lost myself and my tracks of progress as a person multiple times now. I have lost myself to my false sense of pride, and selfishness. I have grown over attached of temporary things in life. I have lost myself during my failures in life. I have felt like a lost my meaning to life as I became so accustomed to the monotone of it. Every single time, I lose track of myself, I crawl back to it by finding hope in people and their little actions. It could be a random stranger that smiles at you or someone randomly enjoying their music and dancing along or bob their head to it, or just overhearing someone sharing something funny to their friend or just a caring friend with a few kind words and a giant hug. I am a part of this world until and maybe a little beyond death whether I enjoy it or not. But, it is my choice to happily participate in it and maybe make lives a bit easier for others by being kind and compassionate and offering love.

Life is not always easy to anyone. We all have our phases of ups and downs. But, trust me when I say if you decide to hold on for a bit, there are things to witness that are beyond beautiful and way beyond your imagination. There is a lot of silent magnificence in this universe if only you slow down and take a minute to see, admire, and enjoy the littlest things. You’ve come so far with all your life experiences to become the person you are right now. Embrace that person, be proud of them. I’m sure you will work on getting better, but right at the moments of pain, you deserve your own love and compassion. We could all have different perspectives on being here in this world. Whatever it is, I’m pretty certain it is not against helping each other live a rather peaceful and loving life. Even if I’m lost, my actions matter to this world. If I cannot be kind and compassionate to myself, who else could I ever help? To me, it matters most that I be of some service in spreading love on this universe. So, I will strive to find myself over and over again and progress in the way of being a better, kinder, and lovelier person.

“What I really lack is clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I must know. What matters to me is to find my purpose, to find a truth that is true for me, to find an idea for which I am willing to live and die. This is what my soul thirsts for as the Afghan deserts thirsts for water.” – All quotes by Søren Kierkegaard.

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Hey, guys! Thank you for taking the time to read my work. I hope you enjoyed it!

If we are meeting for the first time, I’m Nandha and it is wonderful to meet you. I just write what feels right from the bottom of my heart. Do drop a comment, if you think it was worthy of the few minutes or even if you have a question.

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